Friday, November 04, 2005
Fresh Stupidity in the Castro
By Flo Brown, Staff Writer
Like many other San Franciscans too lazy to make the drive out of town, I attended the Castro celebration for Halloween. Here's my take on the worst and best dressed.
Props Where Props Are Due
The guy who came as Frida Kahlo - unibrow, back brace and all.
The Hunter S. Thompson look-alike whose photo ended up in the Chronicle.
The sailor and nurse gay couple who posed just like the original WWII photo.
…and those who deserve no props.
The Guy in Really Bad Drag
Your beer belly and hairy back are disturbing when combined with fairy wings. If you're not a drag queen, you have no business cross-dressing in the Castro. Real drag queens spend hours waxing and applying MAC makeup, while your ugly ass is running around Market Street looking like a deranged frat boy during pledge week. No.
Uniform Dudes
You work at McDonald's so you came in your uniform…with fake blood and bruises. Or maybe you used to play football in high school so you're wearing your jersey and pads to relive the glory days. Or maybe you're a reservist who happens to own a pair of BDU's and camo paint. Wow, F for effort guys.
Lingerie Fairys
Let me guess, you're a freshman at SF State and the boy from your Speech 150 class mentioned he'd be at the Castro too. Don't worry, I already saw him earlier running around in a ballet skirt and wings…just like yours, actually. You must have spent the afternoon in Victoria's Secret finding the perfect lacy bra and panty set…how effing cute. I have one thing to say to you, slut…starts with a "t", ends with an "ool".
"I Came As Me" Guy
I hate you. That's all.
The Naughty Schoolgirl/Nurse/Maid/Cop
Ooh, are you going to put me in detention/play doctor/clean my bedroom/arrest me? You original, creative hottie you. Nobody else would have EVER thought to buy their costume from a lingerie website…nobody. Except the other 200,000 of you on this street alone.
Mask Guy
Notice that the people I dislike are the people who half-ass their costumes thinking that their devilish good looks will somehow compensate for their total lack of creativity. Sorry, guy in the mask and regular clothes…you look like you just stepped out of Spencer's with that thing on and forgot to wear the rest of your costume. Go home and change now before my belligerent ass walks straight up to you and tries to start a fight. You don't want to mess with a Samoan chick, trust me.
The Literal Costumes
The "one night stand" girl partially wearing a nightstand? You're not cute, you're cumbersome and awkward. The wannabe cool guys walking around as beer pong tables with red plastic cups and beer? You remind me of my tool-box exboyfriend, DOWNGRADE. The plug and socket couple costume? Haha, we get it, you plug your prongs (which happen to be cleverly placed at your groin) into her socket. That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
Honestly, if I'm still in San Francisco next Halloween I will make a dress code sign and make sure nobody can get away with this crap in the Castro ever again. Email me if you experienced similarly hideous costumes. flobrown@sfsu.edu
Like many other San Franciscans too lazy to make the drive out of town, I attended the Castro celebration for Halloween. Here's my take on the worst and best dressed.
Props Where Props Are Due
The guy who came as Frida Kahlo - unibrow, back brace and all.
The Hunter S. Thompson look-alike whose photo ended up in the Chronicle.
The sailor and nurse gay couple who posed just like the original WWII photo.
…and those who deserve no props.
The Guy in Really Bad Drag
Your beer belly and hairy back are disturbing when combined with fairy wings. If you're not a drag queen, you have no business cross-dressing in the Castro. Real drag queens spend hours waxing and applying MAC makeup, while your ugly ass is running around Market Street looking like a deranged frat boy during pledge week. No.
Uniform Dudes
You work at McDonald's so you came in your uniform…with fake blood and bruises. Or maybe you used to play football in high school so you're wearing your jersey and pads to relive the glory days. Or maybe you're a reservist who happens to own a pair of BDU's and camo paint. Wow, F for effort guys.
Lingerie Fairys
Let me guess, you're a freshman at SF State and the boy from your Speech 150 class mentioned he'd be at the Castro too. Don't worry, I already saw him earlier running around in a ballet skirt and wings…just like yours, actually. You must have spent the afternoon in Victoria's Secret finding the perfect lacy bra and panty set…how effing cute. I have one thing to say to you, slut…starts with a "t", ends with an "ool".
"I Came As Me" Guy
I hate you. That's all.
The Naughty Schoolgirl/Nurse/Maid/Cop
Ooh, are you going to put me in detention/play doctor/clean my bedroom/arrest me? You original, creative hottie you. Nobody else would have EVER thought to buy their costume from a lingerie website…nobody. Except the other 200,000 of you on this street alone.
Mask Guy
Notice that the people I dislike are the people who half-ass their costumes thinking that their devilish good looks will somehow compensate for their total lack of creativity. Sorry, guy in the mask and regular clothes…you look like you just stepped out of Spencer's with that thing on and forgot to wear the rest of your costume. Go home and change now before my belligerent ass walks straight up to you and tries to start a fight. You don't want to mess with a Samoan chick, trust me.
The Literal Costumes
The "one night stand" girl partially wearing a nightstand? You're not cute, you're cumbersome and awkward. The wannabe cool guys walking around as beer pong tables with red plastic cups and beer? You remind me of my tool-box exboyfriend, DOWNGRADE. The plug and socket couple costume? Haha, we get it, you plug your prongs (which happen to be cleverly placed at your groin) into her socket. That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
Honestly, if I'm still in San Francisco next Halloween I will make a dress code sign and make sure nobody can get away with this crap in the Castro ever again. Email me if you experienced similarly hideous costumes. flobrown@sfsu.edu
# posted by Phil Deez @ 7:37 AM 