Monday, March 13, 2006
Not-So-Hot Coffee
Story by Mike Wille
“EXTRA, EXTRA Get it while it’s HOT!” Or perhaps just get it at room temperature and go. Fortunately, the SFSU Lobby Shop is now carrying something conveniently found elsewhere on campus, hot coffee. The five campus outlets I frequent seem to have plenty of the liquid perk to support my habit, so why is the not-so-hot stuff being pushed at the registers as well?
For a mere $2.99 I can buy a Wolfgang Puck Instant Hot Latte. Now I can have my coffee made by a world-class chef without having to deal with the “baristitude” I get for not tipping. No more standing in line at the slow-as-molasses Caffe Rosso across from the humanities building, waiting for the execution of technical culinary touches like the spooning of frothed milk or swirling of whipped cream. Now I can pick up a can, press a button and fire up 10 oz. of torrid 140˚F coffee in less than 8 minutes. And I can do this while waiting for the elevator in the humanities building – which just happens to take an average travel time of 8 minutes to get me to my third floor class.
We have the folks of OnTech to thank for this brilliant technology "http://www.ontech.com/Technology/technology.asp" . Development only took seven years and 20 million dollars, in which the company rammed what looks like a plastic black dildo into an aluminum can and filled it with calcium oxide and a water capsule. When the H2O packet is ruptured the water mixes with the calcium oxide creating an exothermic reaction, conducting heat to the beverage in contact with the polypropylene dildo.
The coffee would be great for someone on safari in Kenya, who wouldn’t want to scour a lion-laden savanna for felled acacia trees to start a fire and heat a kettle. Or perhaps someone in Sri Lanka, cold and wet without a pot to piss in right after the 2004 Tsunami disaster could appreciate a hot rich caramel, espresso, mocha or French vanilla flavored latte; and there are only 100 calories and 9 grams of fat which seem so little for a something that weighs nearly two pounds. The thermal can seems a bit excessive for someone stranded in the middle of campus, no more than 40 feet from the nearest joe stand or a dorm room away from the closest illegal hot plate or microwave.
The product manufacturer claims the cans are classified as #7 recyclable, but where the hell am I supposed to put this thing when I’m done drinking it? Does the plastic dildo classify it as a plastic or does the outer aluminum coating qualify it for the can bin. Calcium oxide is a substance used to make porcelain and glass, since there is about a cup of this stuff in it maybe it should go to glass? And just how much manpower will it take to dismantle this thing? We may be better off shipping the empties over to Sri Lanka and using them for landfill. We can rebuild the coast one can at a time and have Wolfgang Puck to thank for it.
“EXTRA, EXTRA Get it while it’s HOT!” Or perhaps just get it at room temperature and go. Fortunately, the SFSU Lobby Shop is now carrying something conveniently found elsewhere on campus, hot coffee. The five campus outlets I frequent seem to have plenty of the liquid perk to support my habit, so why is the not-so-hot stuff being pushed at the registers as well?
For a mere $2.99 I can buy a Wolfgang Puck Instant Hot Latte. Now I can have my coffee made by a world-class chef without having to deal with the “baristitude” I get for not tipping. No more standing in line at the slow-as-molasses Caffe Rosso across from the humanities building, waiting for the execution of technical culinary touches like the spooning of frothed milk or swirling of whipped cream. Now I can pick up a can, press a button and fire up 10 oz. of torrid 140˚F coffee in less than 8 minutes. And I can do this while waiting for the elevator in the humanities building – which just happens to take an average travel time of 8 minutes to get me to my third floor class.
We have the folks of OnTech to thank for this brilliant technology "http://www.ontech.com/Technology/technology.asp" . Development only took seven years and 20 million dollars, in which the company rammed what looks like a plastic black dildo into an aluminum can and filled it with calcium oxide and a water capsule. When the H2O packet is ruptured the water mixes with the calcium oxide creating an exothermic reaction, conducting heat to the beverage in contact with the polypropylene dildo.
The coffee would be great for someone on safari in Kenya, who wouldn’t want to scour a lion-laden savanna for felled acacia trees to start a fire and heat a kettle. Or perhaps someone in Sri Lanka, cold and wet without a pot to piss in right after the 2004 Tsunami disaster could appreciate a hot rich caramel, espresso, mocha or French vanilla flavored latte; and there are only 100 calories and 9 grams of fat which seem so little for a something that weighs nearly two pounds. The thermal can seems a bit excessive for someone stranded in the middle of campus, no more than 40 feet from the nearest joe stand or a dorm room away from the closest illegal hot plate or microwave.
The product manufacturer claims the cans are classified as #7 recyclable, but where the hell am I supposed to put this thing when I’m done drinking it? Does the plastic dildo classify it as a plastic or does the outer aluminum coating qualify it for the can bin. Calcium oxide is a substance used to make porcelain and glass, since there is about a cup of this stuff in it maybe it should go to glass? And just how much manpower will it take to dismantle this thing? We may be better off shipping the empties over to Sri Lanka and using them for landfill. We can rebuild the coast one can at a time and have Wolfgang Puck to thank for it.
# posted by Phil Deez @ 9:13 AM 